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I love quotes. My husband would say that I was capable of carrying on entire conversations using nothing but quotes. Perhaps I should thank my ADD for this love. Articles and books, while informative, require a lot of time and thought on my part. Quotes give me a few lines to read and much to ponder. Words of inspiration call to me from my bathroom mirror and my fridge (two places I spend a lot of time frequenting). While applying a bit of lipstick or grabbing a water on my way out the door, I am left with a thought to stew over as I start my day. I like it.
As a young girl, I was never comfortable with messing up. If I started a paper and didn't love my handwriting or the way something sounded, I would crumple up the lined paper and start over. I don't think I have ever written a rough draft in my life...each line had to be perfect or I couldn't move on. If I didn't like the way my hair was turning out on a Friday night, I would jump in the shower and soak my head in an attempt to get it right the second time around. The idea of having another chance has always appealed to me. When it came time to buy our first (and later our second) home, it had to be new. I needed a fresh canvas to work with. I already knew what I wanted and anything different than that frustrated me. While I would consider myself creative, the idea's in my head of how things were SUPPOSED to look made it impossible for me to work with anything that might be pre-existing. Sadly our realtor discovered this after days of showing us existing homes. I could walk into someone's foyer and if I didn't like their color scheme or could still smell what they cooked for breakfast, I was like "I'm good. I'll just wait in the car".
I have always loved New Years and the idea that I had a clean slate to work with. Just ask my Christmas tree. I try hard to embrace whatever is going on in my life WHILE it is going on so I take on the holiday season with as much passion as I can. December 26th, however, I'm over it. I'm clawing at ornaments on my tree like a wild animal and yanking down garland with very little regard to how difficult it will be to revive it come Christmas next year. I've baked, I've eaten, I've partied and spent too much money. The day after the birth of our Lord and Savior, I'm done. I'm ready for clean. I'm ready for goals. I'm ready to be a totally different person come January 1st. Is it me or does anyone else find this concept funny? Eat like I'm going to be shot at sunset for tomorrow I intend to starve myself....so stupid.
Admit it. You do it too.
I started a blog last year and while I enjoyed the writing part, I could not for the life of me figure out how to lay it out the way I wanted to. The fact I couldn't get it to LOOK the way I wanted it to is the reason there is only a handful of entries. The perfectionist in me shy'd away from doing something I really wanted to do because I couldn't get past my fear of failing on the designer end of it. I am not one to ask for help but I decided to tackle this obstacle (my inability to ask for or accept help from others) before the ball dropped and 2013 arrived. This was a shot of confidence for me and propelled me into the new year with one goal already under my belt. I put myself out there, admitted my COMPLETE lack of understanding where technology is concerned, and reached out to one of our good friends who is a computer guru. I picked this particular person because I knew I wouldn't throw myself on the floor of his office and behave as badly as I had when my husband had attempted to help me. In essence, I set myself up. I purposely put myself in a situation where I would be forced to learn what I needed to. I asked, he graciously offered his time to me and the end result...I can now focus on writing and not worry that my layout is atrocious. Yay! Regrettably, the pictures are still of us and perhaps I'll hit our friend Joe up for another lesson in photoshop and in making us better looking. Until then.....
In the process of helping me, our friend asked what the purpose of the blog was. Crickets. The old me would have begun sweating bullets and concluded that the fact I didn't have a purpose for writing one meant I shouldn't do it at all. I thought about it and stated "I don't know" and that's the truth. I don't know. I have always, ALWAYS, had a lot to say and have more opinions that one person should have (it's a curse really). For me, it's a form of journaling for my friends and family and at other times, a place to just vent. I in no way think that my thoughts are of the utmost importance or believe that I'm going to change anyones life by spouting off in a blog. Plain and simple, it makes me happy.
As I have viewed others blogs and tried to gain an understanding of their content, I have discovered that people want to share what they know or what they have learned. Women who have shed 200 pounds want to design your menu for the next 6 weeks and show off their killer abs by taking a photo of themselves in the bathroom mirror. I mean good god girls, does NO ONE have a friend that could take a picture for you??? Sorry. It drives me nuts. (See? Opinionated doesn't even begin to describe me).
I fumbled through life several years ago and as I look back, I am overly aware of what a train wreck I was. The only apologies I have made are to those whom I may have hurt in my attempt to just survive. That being said, my behavior was a direct result of how much I was actually dealing with and for that, I refuse to apologize for who I was. I have learned that I was precisely who I was supposed to be at that time and had I not been that person, I would not have arrived to where I am I today. By the way, I LOVE where I am today. I have learned to embrace those people who knew I wasn't quite myself (but loved me anyway). At the same time, I had an abundance of people who really didn't have anything to offer me (because they didn't know me) but had all sorts of opinions on how I should be living. Life had thrown me some serious trials (trials that were completely out of my control) and while I endured them well while I was IN them, the garbage was piling up inside. My heart was like a bad episode of Hoarders. I just couldn't let anything go.
I wanted to kind of start a new blog (my clean slate complex) and so I had to lay a little foundation. That being said, I vow to no longer speak of my parents deaths or of harder times. These things launched me into where I am now but I'll be the first to say that they are tired topics and focusing on them does not serve me in any way. One of my goals for this year is to always look forward and I refuse to waste another minute on what if's or if only's.
I have not lost 200 pounds and I don't really care what you are having for dinner tomorrow. I am, however, in a really, REALLY good place. Like exceptional. Like my head hits the pillow every night and I have not one regret. I not only love but adore the people in my life and give thanks for them daily. My spouse, my children, my friends, my siblings. My relationships are unique with all of them and they each have so much to teach me...if I am just willing to learn. I smile a lot and laugh louder than I should. I am deliriously happy and I want to embrace it because I know that hard times will come again. Perhaps that is what I want to share in this blog. My life was hard there for awhile (as is everyone's) and I can look back now and see what I learned through the process. Perhaps others can learn from me...if not they can laugh at me. Either way, I'm good.
I attended a lecture many years ago where the topic of goals was being discussed. The speaker pointed out that if we were to take only goal a year and focus on it that we would be damn near perfect at the end of our lives (provided we lived a long and healthy existence). This really struck me as true. As I pondered my childhood resolutions that had followed me into my adult life, I realized that my unrealistic expectations were the the reason I wasn't achieving any success. While I am all for dreaming big...reality has to at least be invited to the dinner table or we are doomed.
This is the first time in years (and I do mean years) that I haven't felt completely defeated in my quest to be a better person. This is the first year since I was twelve years old that I haven't sat down and scribbled a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year, feeling like the past year had been a total waste. This year, I actually looked over my shoulder and thought "not bad".
I believe the ultimate goal is to be happy and in some demented way, we think our goals will bring us the happiness we so desire. If we could just lose twenty pounds, our lives would change forever. If we made a little more money, we could help others out and that would bring us joy. If we had a better marriage than our children would be happier...there is always a reason why we could happier. And as long as this is our mentality....there always will be.
You know that part in Mr. Mom where Michael Keaton is dropping the kids off at school for the first time and the snarky car rider lady is yelling "you're doing it wrong!" at him? Well, today I am that the snarky car rider lady and I am here to to tell you that if your happiness is attached to New Years resolutions...then "you're doing it wrong"!!!
The key is to be happy and every other goal will fall into place. Promise.
It is entirely possible that I am the last one to learn this oh so valuable lesson but learning this ONE thing literally launched me into an entirely different life. The lesson? It is totally ok to be happy. It is not a huge sin to take care of myself and now and again to be a little selfish. It's ok to analyze your life every so often and take out the things that don't seem to be working. I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life and trying to determine why these irrational feelings drove me to do the things I did. It may have been my up-bringing, my faith, or the fact that I'm a woman and programmed to put everyone before myself. I don't know. It is possible that had I not gotten as down as I was, I would have continued to go through life on auto pilot never realizing that I could do, have, or BE more. Lying face first on the pavement literally forced me to learn this invaluable lesson. I guess for that reason and that reason alone, I am grateful for the time I spent on the ground.
I tend to be longwinded...I am working on this but make no promises.
-We all come here free spirits and the people in our life shape us into who we are and who we will become. Make sure you surround yourself with good people. It makes SUCH a difference. If people make you feel bad or if you find yourself explaining yourself over and over to them...they need to go. My husband calls this trimming the fat and there ARE ways of doing this graciously and without being too hurtful.
-Be kind to everyone. Assume that everyone you meet has some horrible struggle they are dealing with and don't hesitate to give love to strangers. (Not the kind of love that could get you arrested but rather a nice word or if nothing else a smile). It will make you feel better and hopefully your kind gesture will get passed on.
-Don't hesitate to change your thought process. A few years back I began to ponder if I was doing things because I WANTED to or because it was what I was raised to do. We are all shaped by those who influence us and the lines can get very blurred. The death of my parents in some ways allowed me the freedom to pose that question. If no one was going to be disappointed in me, would I stay on the same path? What I learned was that I was completely comfortable with who I was but was always looking for acceptance from those who were the least likely to give it. No one knows you better than you. Do what makes you happy (within reason of course)...
-Try new things. Studies have proven that the happiest of people are those who are always evolving. Take a class. Make new friends. Do something completely outside of your comfort zone. Do not coast through this year the same person you were last year. It's lame and practically guarantee's feelings of boredom, complacency, and defeat. If you are afraid to step off the cliff, remind yourself that you can always come back...I'd be willing to bet that you won't want to.
-If you are being self righteous. Stop it. If you believe that being a miserable person or in a miserable situation is some sort of sacrifice for something better...you are wrong. Being a happy and fulfilled person allows us to do and give so much more to those around us. Choosing to be unhappy (and yes, it's a choice) is actually an incredibly selfish thing to do. Happy people have more to offer their friends, their family and the world in general. Being happy is a public service really...everyone wins.
If exercise makes you happy...go for a run.
If work fulfills you...then keep your eyes open for new opportunities.
If you've always wanted to try something...try it.
If you want something that someone else has...ask how they got it and be willing to learn.
If being fat makes you depressed...then stop eating.
If you are in a bad marriage...fix it.
If you have financial issues...learn to be happy with less.
If you don't know what in the heck you want, might I suggest that you make finding out your one and only goal for the upcoming year? This one resolution makes the others totally obtainable...
