It's been a weird month. My intention was to blog about something entirely different but due to certain events that have transpired, I've changed my mind. I like Valentines Day. I know it's a commercial holiday and one that makes men's butts pucker as they succumb to Hallmark. I like it because it's a time for romance (forced though it may be). What can I say? I'm a sucker for romance.
The sermon this past Sunday was on the word love. The speaker spoke on how many levels there are to describe the word love. We can love pancakes and we can love a person. Hardly the same thing. As I sat and pondered this concept, it occurred to me how many different emotions can be connected to the word love. I'm a sucker for emotions too...go figure.
I've been pondering the word love all week and not my love for pancakes. I've been thinking about things that I sincerely love and the emotions that are affiliated those things. As I think about the things that I love...I am overcome with emotion. In no particular order...
I love knowing that there is something larger than me. My entire life I have thought that I have known everything there was to know about a higher being. I knew exactly where I came from, what I was meant to do while on earth and what I needed to do to return. The fact that I thought I knew everything restricted me in many ways. In this great and glorious plan of his, I am only one small person. While I used to believe that I arrived here pre-wired, I now see myself having arrived as a clean slate. Life happened to me (as it does to everyone) and in a blink, my perspectives changed. I have come to believe that they were supposed to. It's easy to know everything when nothing has happened to you. I believe things. I ponder things. I hope things...but I don't KNOW anything. None of us do. Admitting this has been life changing for me. I seek now more than ever. For whatever reason, I grew up with the idea that my relationship with God was contingent upon my actions. It has only been in the past several years that I have grown increasingly uncomfortable with this concept and I began fighting it. For starters, I never felt good enough and it was hard to get excited to do better when I knew that the list he had prepared for me (or worse that someone else had), was close to impossible to master. His love for me was tied to a good deed or a list of rules and try as I might, I could never measure up. Having encountered several life changing events, I look back now and realize that I never sought his help....because I didn't feel worthy enough. I considered myself to be a decent and good person who tried to improve daily. It bothered me that despite my major accomplishments, I was getting tangled up in little insignificant things. The talk that I heard just a week ago on the word love was life changing. The lesson was that he loves me (on a scale that I can't even fathom) no matter what. There is nothing that I can do to mess that up. I have screwed up a thousand times in my life and I am certain I will screw up a thousand times more. The fact that he knows that and is rooting for me anyways is comforting. More importantly, it makes me want to do better. Guilt and despair are never good motivators for change. When we know that someone loves us and that they are proud of us, we strive harder to do good. We don't want to disappoint. The emotion that is connected to my faith is that of PEACE.
If you were to ask me what the single greatest thing in my life is, I would say my husband. There wouldn't be moment of hesitation. There are many things that I don't have but at the end of the day knowing that I have an amazing spouse makes those little things I don't have seem insignificant. I married Matt fresh out of high school and the day of my wedding I remember thinking "Crap. What if he isn't the one"? While many people have that love at first site moment, I admit freely that I did not. I cared deeply for him but I was nineteen. I didn't know squat. In our "you and me against the world" mentality, we moved to Las Vegas. Over the next thirteen years, I watched my husband grow into an amazing man. He wowed me with his work ethic and he still wows me with his talent (he still doesn't know how good he is at what he does). Having had no example of what a father should be like, I watched in amazement as he gushed over our two small boys. I would go out of town for a weekend and not lose a moments sleep over them being in his care. He would be the first one to buy Supercross tickets and take our little guys to the races. He would carry their sleepy bodies in and put them to bed after a long day at the track. This tradition is still carried on today and he has yet to miss a year where he doesn't take them (of course he punches them in the arm to wake them up when they get home now) Our daughter came along and he has set the perfect example for her on how she should expect to be treated. If my sons are half the husband that their dad is and if my daughter marries someone exactly like her father, I will be pleased. I hesitate to "out" my husband but I highly doubt that his buddies will be curling up with a glass of wine reading my blog. For 18 years now, Matt has consistently shown me that he not only loves me but that he adores me. To me this is far superior to the love at first sight moment. Love at first sight fades. He is always making an effort to win my affection. He will send texts throughout the day to let me know that he is thinking about me. He is an amazing gift giver and has great taste (lucky me). He is notorious for coming home with a "just because" or "I thought of you when I saw this" gift. He is thoughtful. If a women's house is her castle, than he works hard to make my castle nice or if nothing else, keep it clean. He doesn't question what I do or why I do it. He supports me in everything and tells me that if I'm happy, that's all that matters. If I am angry with someone, he is angry with them too. He doesn't need the story either. He is in my corner at all times. I have often said that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would need a straight jacket. He is my rock and he has been given many (TOO many as far as I'm concerned) chances to prove to me how solid he is. I remember him riding his Harley to the hospital when I had Tucker and climbing into my hospital bed with me so we could watch Saturday Night Live together. Fast food in hand, he made it quite the date night. Twelve years later, we curled up in a ridiculously small hospital chair together as we sat in Riggs ICU room. We attempted to sleep as machines beeped and buzzed not knowing what the outcome of our situation would be. The only peace I had that night was that of knowing that whatever I would be going through, Matt would be there. Somehow this made it seem bearable. With our latest scare, I spent two long weeks in the hospital and my rockstar husband held the fort down at home while I was away. He did a better job than I do (which really pisses me off) but it was one less thing I needed to worry about during the chaotic time. He drove the hour drive to and from the hospital daily and never knew what kind of mood I would be in. At times, he would arrive to a weepy and depressed wife. At times, he would arrive to doctors and nurses cowering outside of my room because they were afraid of me. He would lighten the mood and get us all back on the same page. At other times, he would arrive to the wife he is so used to. The one who would be demanding that he wash her hair because she wanted to flat iron it. Whatever he arrived to...he was up for the task. He makes me laugh and together we have laughed ourselves through many a hard times. I decided early on that I would never have a bad marriage. It has not been easy, but it has been so worth it. It makes my heart hurt when I see or hear of people who are in unhappy marital situations. I feel for everyone involved...especially the children who are growing up without a healthy example of what a happy, loving couple looks like. I feel like I owe our children the "how to manual" on making a relationship work. Life is hard enough on it's own. It's important to have someone next to you that always has your back. I love the above quote on love. There are far, FAR too many mediocre things in life. Love should never, EVER be one of them. When my marriage is less than perfect, I will not put my sword down until we work through whatever it is we need to work through. Matt claims I am stubborn. I think I'm passionate about us. I believe that too many couples get too far gone before they start working on things. It is important that we address things when they are happening so those little splinters don't become too painful to remove. (My expectations for marriage are impossibly high...so I guess my husband is long suffering too)! I have never had to question my husband's love for me. When I ponder my marriage, I am filled with GRATITUDE. I am a lucky, lucky girl.
Hopefully your barf bags aren't too full. Moving on...
That quote is profound to me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I tell myself that I worry too much and when I see something like that, I fear I don't worry enough. I love my children. Until you become a parent, you will never understand the blessing or the burden that comes with parenthood. While I hate to exclude you, it is a club that can't be joined until you have experienced the love that comes with having children. There is that moment where you are handed your newborn and time stands still. You study every detail of this perfect creature that has been handed to you. If they are less than perfect, you aren't capable of seeing it. You fall in love. As these little people grow, they become more difficult to manage. They ruin carpet. They break things without so much as an apology. They make a trip to Target seem like something that should be an Olympic event. You are exhausted mentally and physically...and you wouldn't trade it for anything. If you're really crazy, you'll decide you want to add to the insanity and throw another child or two in the mix. You are after all a parent and logic has become something of the past. While I am still having a difficult time grasping how old I am (I like to remind myself that I began having children very young), I have found myself with teenagers and will say again that it has been at times a challenging adjustment. We find ourselves amidst other big people who have thoughts and feelings and opinions. It is like having house guests (that you love) that never leave. Ever. Regardless of whether or not you are good parent, you will always doubt yourself. I believe if you are doubting yourself that you are in fact a good parent. We sit up nights talking with our kids. I lay awake at night and ponder if I am doing things right. I worry about them while they are at school or when they are just down the hall. The stress of parenthood takes its toll. It takes its toll on your sleep, your mental and physical health and your marriage. After two nights of little sleep earlier this month while "dealing" with a child, Matt stumbled into the bathroom one morning. We gave each other a half grin as if to say to one another "you get the car and I'll get the luggage". Matt put his head down and mumbled "I don't want to be a parent anymore". I couldn't have agreed more. It is hard not to resent the very people that seem to steal time away from my husband and yet we created the little joy suckers together so we know that we are a team. A moment after his declaration, our bathroom was filled with kids who needed hair gel, a flat iron and validation. The down time is brief and then we are at it again...raising these little people that we hope will one day do great things. It is a heavy burden and one I am thankful for. My kids FULFILL me in ways that very few things or people can.
As I reflect on my friendships, there is a common denominator among all of them. For starters, they get me and love me for the hot mess than I am. Secondly, they have seen multiple versions of who I am and loved them all equally. I don't have to explain myself to them which makes it comfortable. Perhaps the single most important attribute is that they make me laugh. As I ponder each relationship, I can remember at least one time where I laughed uncontrollably with them and a ridiculous bond was formed. You know the hard belly laughter that once it comes on seems impossible to stop? I have had full conversations by texting pictures with friends. I get quirky things from girlfriends almost daily that cause me to chuckle where ever I might be. I have had a friend straddle my chest for an hour as she attempted to put my nose ring back in (all the while laughing so hard my nostrils were flaring making it impossible). I remember a crowded elevator where a friend and I got the giggles and laughed uncontrollably for the very long ride up. The awkward silence from our fellow passengers only made it worse and as our very sober selves stepped off someone said "I'll have what they're having". I have sat on the floor of the Victoria Secret dressing room with a friend in bombshell bra's laughing so hard that we thought for sure we would pee ourselves. I have girlfriends that are just fun and easy to be around. I try not to take myself too seriously and my friends need not either. I am fair game. If I slip and fall down, I expect them to laugh at me.
I have story after story of funny things that happened while I was in the hospital and I half wonder if my selfless friend who stayed with me so often rushed there daily for mere entertainment. My sisters (who are my closest friends) came to my rescue when I was down and out and did for me what I could not do for myself. I have a very hard time allowing others to do things for me and my friends have taught me the value of accepting service. Throughout my trials, I have come to learn that my true friends are there because they want to be and not because they have been assigned to be. The hard times I have experienced in my life have also revealed my true friends. Because of this, I am thankful for those trials that allowed me to see just how strong my girlfriends were. The love that I have for my friends makes me feel BLESSED.
I love my life. It is not perfect and at times it has been down right hard. I have come to understand that in order to fully live, I must love all aspects of my life, not just the pretty ones. Maturity has taught me that it is my trials and what I have learned from them that have led me to happier times. I am grateful for every difficult thing that has happened to me for it has made me who I am today. While I don't think I am necessarily destined for greatness, I do feel that it is a sin to waste the life that I have been given. I have always been a rule follower and yet I think it is crucial to question and explore and wander off the beaten path once in awhile. In my quest to stop and smell the flowers, I have wandered off and found so many things that I might have otherwise passed by. Very little has changed in my life but my attitude towards it has and that has made all the difference. My messy life is still the same but I have learned to embrace it as mine and no one else's. It is a pity to live for others...
We have often said that regardless of what our children choose to do with their lives, we want them to be happy. For the many things I will be accountable for when I get to the other side, I believe that what I did with my time will be among the most important. I would like to think that questions will be fired at me such as "were you scared"? "did you learn from that"? "did you have fun"? "did it change you"? "were you true to yourself"? I hope that I will be able to say yes to each and every one of those questions. The day you stop looking over your shoulder is the day you start really living for yourself.
I am HUMBLED when I contemplate the life that I have been given. I take the responsibility to live it well seriously.
As I pondered all of the things that I love and that bring me joy, it occurred to me that not one of those things are things. They are relationships. The relationship I have with myself and with those around me. The older I have become, the less my happiness is tied to material things. I have come to learn that objects fade while relationships deepen. I look around our less than perfect home and have learned to love the scratches, the dings, the water leaks, etc. The people in my life that I adore put them there and one day they will be gone. I have often pondered those I know whom have lost a child or a spouse. When I catch myself getting upset over something silly, I try to remind myself that tripping over a pair of shoes or skateboard is a blessing that I have been afforded. My blessings are abundant and found in the simplest of things....if I am just willing to look for them. I love the word love. I use it often but could do better to use it more. If the people in my life don't know how much I love them than the blame is on me. I need to do better.
I love Valentines day because the romance of it is so far from my ordinary life. It's nice to take one day out of the year and just love the things you love...better than you normally would. More times than not, my expectations will leave me feeling unfulfilled. I create pictures of how things should be and yet they rarely are. It is at these times that I have to remind myself just how beautiful my ordinary life is and embrace it.
