As my children have gotten older, the buzz around Christmas has diminished. There is no longer the anticipation of Santa Claus, class parties, or surprises. What you see is pretty much what you get.....and it makes me kinda sad. Fortunately for us, we have a slew of birthdays to keep us feeling festive.
My eleven year old daughter whose birthday happens to be December 23rd has begun the countdown to her big day and with each passing day, I cringe. Not because I don't share her excitement but rather because I'm not ready for what's coming for myself.
Nine days from today, I will turn the big 40. That's right, on December 25th, I will turn forty years old and just as the buzz of Christmas has diminished, so has the anticipation of what's to come in my own life. What you see is pretty much what you get...
One of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits of all time was the one about Debbie Downer. Honestly, none of the actors could even seem to get through the taping of it without busting up, because she was so ridiculous. Whether it was Christmas morning or a trip to Disney, Debbie saw the down side to everything...and it was funny. Seriously, seriously, funny.
I think we all know a Debbie Downer...perhaps we ARE Debbie Downer but I think we can all agree on one thing. No one likes Debbie and no one wants her at their party. I hate negative people and vowed long ago to never be one. I have a motto and it goes a little something like this.
If you can't be nice, be funny.
I love to laugh, I love people who make me laugh, and I think it's fair to say that I can find the funny in just about anything...even when inappropriate. ESPECIALLY when it's inappropriate. Laughing is my coping mechanism and it has served me well. I refuse to apologize for how I chose to survive what would have killed most. I'm here and I'm still kicking - albeit somedays I'm kicking people.
While I firmly believe that a positive attitude and a sense of humor are the two best qualities a person can possess, the reality is that life is hard and sometimes things just aren't funny. The past several years have had me standing in a mine field of "WTF's" all the while laughing and cracking jokes because god forbid someone might think I was a Debbie Downer.
My mother raised me to be tough. If I had a poor me moment, she would listen briefly and then tell me to snap out of it. As a result, I have never allowed anything to really eat at me and have gone as far as to bear everyone else's burdens while suppressing my own. Upon some recent soul searching, I concluded that although my mothers strength was admirable, I also believe it's what took her down in the end and caused her unnecessary stress throughout her life. Now that I have children of my own, I don't know how she didn't kill at least one of us. It's funny how your perspective changes once you walk in someones shoes.
I remember standing at my mothers gravesite where her tombstone was delivered. Oh yes, she had her tombstone created before she passed away and kept it a secret from all of her children. I can just see her handwritten note on yellow paper that she left for the engraver "Just add end date". What better way to get the last word than to have your own headstone made? I mean SERIOUSLY? If that doesn't explain a lot about me, I don't know what would. My siblings and I climbed out of our cars at the cemetery and made our way over to her grave and stood silently as we read her headstone. The words were powerful, yet simple.
Gratitude is an Attitude.
Please tell me how one follows a legacy like that? I'll tell you how. You put everyone else first, you trust in God, and you power through anything and everything that is thrown at you. The only other choice is to slide down a wall and assume the fetal position. That has never been an option for me, besides, crying is for weenies. I was taught to be grateful for everything...and everything includes my trials. I have carried my mother with me in my strength and I am grateful for her example. I do, however, have some memories of my mother that I am fonder of than others and those memories involve my mother in the midst of anger and her emotions. Those memories were of my true mother. The mother that she kept bottled up in an attempt to protect us from seeing.
If my mom were here now, I would thank her for those rare moments that she let her guard down and showed us her vulnerability. Those moments made her more real to me and when I find myself in the midst of my own adult trials, I find comfort in knowing that once in awhile, she was human and melted down. I have a memory of sitting on the kitchen counter with my then new boyfriend (who happens to be my now husband) and my sister walked in oozing coolness. My mom asked her a question and somewhere mid sarcastic sentence, my mom backhanded her across the face. HARD. That's right, right there in the kitchen in front of my new boyfriend. At the time, I thought she was insane. Looking back now as a mother myself, I think she was probably just tired. Or fed up. Or both...
And I get it.
My love for people with a little life experience has grown abundantly and I no longer see people as negative but rather "seasoned" when they share their stories with me. Our life experiences shape us into who we are. They build character and I can't help but find those who reside in trouble free existences quite boring. Furthermore, I feel sorry for them. How incredibly insufferable to know that your life is going to be cushy and comfortable from this point on? Where's the excitement in THAT? Furthermore, how do you get to know what you're made of?
With each passing year, the bad news seems to multiply. While I have never been a news watcher, I can't hide from the sadness that exists in the lives around me and I'm in awe of the crosses some are called to bear. That's right, we all have STUFF and everyone's stuff is just as important to them as mine is to me. I have grown to love my friends more and more when they share their struggles with me. Whether it be infertility, divorce, death of a loved one, illness, trouble with a child, or the loss of a job...I have seen my friends morph from average human beings into extraordinary people who have gone eye to eye with their trials and faced them head on. At the same time, I have bonded with strangers over their sorrows. Some would ask why sadness exists. I believe it exists to make us better. I believe it exists to connect us to others. Sadness is a universal language.
As I have gotten older, what little filter I had is now non existent. Before you get all judgy, yes, at one time, I had one. A very, very small one, but nevertheless. These days I find myself saying things I probably shouldn't to people who I am sure don't want to hear it. I feel like my life experience has granted me the wisdom to spout off when and I where I want. (And yes, I realize that this is not a great attribute to have). At the same time, I am more apt to listen to those who are older or wiser or have experienced something I have not. A defining moment in my life came when I learned to say "I don't know". I can say "I think", "I feel", or "I assumed" but never, NEVER "I know" because I don't. When we believe we know something, we stop seeking and I don't know about you, but I don't want to ever stop learning. My life experiences have taught me that I don't know shit. Being able to verbalize that has been the single most freeing thing in my 39 years thus far.
I have come to accept that adulthood is highly overrated...I was duped and so were you. I have come to accept that for right now, my job is to do everything for everyone else. Health insurance, oil changes, interest rates, mammograms, driving lessons, teenagers, emergency room visits...it never ends. That's right, talk dirty to me, right? This is adulthood in all it's splendor. Being a spouse, a parent and a grown up is NOT for the faint of heart. It is at times excruciating hard work and the rewards don't come until much, MUCH later. Some people throw their hands up and say "screw this" as they run fleeing from the reality that is their life...and I can't say I blame them. The solid ones (who have endured and understand suffering) linger around long enough to pick up their prize and the prize usually is waiting for us at the finish line.
So I never wanted to be a Debbie Downer but I do want to be real and the reality is that life isn't always fun, or easy, or rewarding. Some day, MOST days, we punch the time clock and just do what we gotta do. The challenge is to find the joy in the day to day stuff and embrace it.
All of it.
As I head into this next chapter of my life, I am grateful for all of my life lessons up to this point. I am thankful for all that I have learned and for those who have been with me through those lessons. I am blessed more than I deserve. I have a husband that tolerates me (and I think might actually love me) and three healthy children. I have had the privilege of raising sons and a daughter and have been impacted by the relationships I have with each of them. I was raised by amazing parents who quietly speak to me from the other side and let me know that they did they best they knew how and it's ok for me to do things the best I know how. I have a solid circle of friends who support me, make me laugh, challenge me, and allow me to say what I want without having to apologize for it. Even better, they allow me to do the same for them. Oh yes, I have some seriously amazing women in my life.
I have had to confront some demons recently. Not because I wanted to but rather because I was forced to and I realized that in order to move forward, I have got to confront just what it is that has made me tick up until this point. I have made mistakes in my life and the only way I know how to move forward is to do just that. Move forward. I can be sorry. I can be repentant. I can be lots of things but none of those things will matter if I'm not different.
If I want change, I have to change.
Turning forty doesn't scare me. I wouldn't trade my 40 year old brain or heart for that of a 20 year old....not for a second. I have always celebrated birthdays and New Years with resolutions and I positively love setting goals for the future. As I face this milestone birthday, I just want those close to me to know that I have some good stuff in store. I am looking forward to loving each of you better and am putting some closure on some not so good stuff that has consumed me and effected me in negative ways. Every hour, every day, every year is a gift. I intend to use my life to bless those around me. I am embracing this next chapter of my life with an intensity like never before.
But if we're being honest, I'll probably get hit by a bus January 1st ...
(sorry. couldn't help myself).
